


Incomplete Thought

by EJwrites



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 02:11:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3272954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EJwrites/pseuds/EJwrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An expansion on the scene in 2x09.  The conversation I needed them to have but they couldn't in the three seconds they were given.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Incomplete Thought

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to glynnbearboo for proofreading the first half of this. The second half I got excited and went rogue, so if that part sucks it's my fault.

The lab is quiet save for the whirring of a few different computers and machines. Over that the slow, labored breath of Cosima can be heard from the hospital bed. She is attached to several machines, a heart monitor and nose tubes among them. She is sleeping on her side facing away from the room, seemingly peacefully.

Delphine enters the lab quietly, aware of the sleeping form. She shuffles over to a desk dumping her jacket and bag, sniffling as she looks around the room.

_I should just leave and tell Cosima about the mess I’ve caused later. I cannot wake her up for this_ , she thinks.

Delphine clenches her jaw against the rush of tears that threaten to flood over. She’s fucked up so badly. Suddenly, Delphine doesn’t trust the stability of her knees and plops down gingerly on the side of the bed.

She stares out at the lab equipment and listens to Cosima’s breathing, stutters of in and out, in and out. Her mind tries to figure out where she went wrong, how she was fooled so easily. She should have seen it coming, it was so obvious in retrospect. Rachel would never be so stupid as to leave her computer unlocked. Now Kira, the poor little girl, was sucked into this mess and it was entirely her fault.

Delphine chokes down a sob, taking a deep breath to try and calm herself, but it just set the tears streaming down her face. She can’t keep her composure anymore. All she can do is try to keep her sobbing silent and ride it out. That proved easier said than done. She doesn’t even bother to wipe her cheeks. All she can do is slowly rock back and forth and try not to wake Cosima.

Unfortunately, she starts to stir just as Delphine has gotten a small handle over herself, and Delphine sucks in a breath to calm herself before Cosima sees her.

Cosima rolls over to look at the mystery person in her bed and quickly recognizes Delphine. It’s clear that she wants to make a quip about having a bed in the lab but Delphine turns to look at her and she notices Delphine’s tear streaked face.

“What’s wrong?” she asks with a voice thick from sleep and full of concern. Delphine’s behavior is odd. Cosima always knew that Delphine tried to be brave and unperturbed by the clones, but never called her out on it.

Delphine holds back another wave of sobs before choking out, “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

A wave of dread washes over Cosima. “What have you done?” she asks trying to keep the accusatory tone out of her voice, but fails miserably.

Cosima watches as Delphine’s face crumples, and she turns away. She watches Delphine break down into loud, chest-heaving sobs. She’s torn between comforting her and leaving her to her own devices; on the one hand, Cosima hates seeing her like this and it’s tearing her heart in two to watch, but on the other, something awful has happened and Delphine said she was to blame.

After a few seconds her compassion wins out and Cosima reaches a hand out to rub between Delphine’s shoulders. She’d come to discover that Delphine really like that. Delphine flinches away from the touch and begins to cry harder.

In between sobs Delphine chokes out, “I... should go.. I-I don’t... even.. know why.... I came here.” More sobs erupt as she attempts to stand up.

Cosima grabs her by the wrist, eyes wide at Delphine’s sudden actions.

“No. Please stay,” she asks. After a pause she adds, “You probably shouldn’t be driving like this.”

Delphine coughs out a scoff and settles back onto the bed. She takes her arm back and resumes sobbing with her face in her hands.

Cosima stiffly sits up on the bed and scooches closer, as close Delphine will let her in her sorry state. She gathers the covers around her shoulders and watches her feet dangle off the bed.

After a few minutes Delphine’s crying slows and she sniffles as she tries to wipe her cheeks clean. Cosima takes the corner of her sheet and looks Delphine in the eye. With a quiver of her lip, she nods, giving Cosima permission to wipe the tears away.

When she finished she clears her throat to try to ease the tension. “So... you gonna tell me what happened?” she pauses. “Like, ever?”

Delphine heaves a sigh and watches her hands as she fidgets with her fingers. “Oui. Can I... Can I just take a minute to...” She gestures in the air when the right words won’t come.

“Of course,” Cosima replies, even though the mystery of the situation is making her super anxious.

Delphine takes a huge breath in and starts telling the story. Starting with the fact that Kira had been taken would surely get her kicked out without being able to explain herself.

She tells how she had been promoted, how she had been in Rachel’s office, how she had seen her email and seen what she thought to be incriminating information, how she contacted Sarah to tell her, how Rachel had used that time to take Kira.

How Kira was now in the hands of the DYAD.

“And it’s all my fault.”

Delphine closes her eyes so she doesn’t have to look at Cosima’s disappointment, anger, pity, or whatever she decides to throw at her this time.

Cosima stares at Delphine’s profile for about a minute in disbelief. Out of all the things that this woman has done since they’ve known each other, this is what breaks her?

Delphine starts crying again. “Please,” she whispers, “say something.”

“Oh, honey,” Cosima coos. She strokes her thumb across the taller woman’s cheek. “It’s not your fault. Rachel set that trap for you. It’s her fault, it’s DYAD’s fault.”

Delphine’s jaw drops and her eyes fly open as she turns to look at Cosima. “What?” she asks incredulously. She stares into Cosima’s eyes, trying to detect any sign of derision or sarcasm of any kind.

Cosima gives a half-smile and says, “Come here.”

Delphine practically lunges forward and buries her face in Cosima’s shoulder. She clutches at her shirt with clawed fingers, careful not to squeeze her chest where her ailing lungs are housed.

Cosima runs her fingers through Delphine’s hair and runs her other hand up and down her back. She kisses her temple and shushes her.

“Aren’t I supposed to be the one who’s being comforted?” Cosima asks.

Delphine gives a short laugh. Her muscles begin to loosen and relax.

Cosima notices and smiles. “See, you’re okay.”

Delphine pulls away and gives her a look, eyes wide with an unplaceable emotion.

“ _Cherie_ , I don’t care if I am the okay one,” she mumbles. She nearly instantly regrets saying it when she sees Cosima’s face.

“Why do you say that?” she whispers.

Delphine tries to pull away but Cosima holds her close. She settles for heaving another stressed sigh.

“Ever since I’ve met you, all I’ve wanted is to keep you safe. Every time I try to do that it seems to... to go sideways.” She pauses, trying to gather the thoughts bouncing around her head. Delphine heaves a long sigh. “If it were to mean that you were alright, I would gladly be... not alright.” She shakes her head. “That sounds silly saying it aloud.”

Cosima laughs quietly. “No, no. That’s kind of sweet.” She runs her fingers through Delphine’s hair again. “Although you just threatened your own safety to further mine and I don’t know how to feel about that.” Delphine just deflates and looks back down at her lap, pulling her hands back. “Hey,” Cosima tries to get her to look back up into her eyes, nudging her lightly. When she doesn’t, she just settles for kissing the top of her head.

They sit like that for a few minutes. Cosima’s legs don’t appreciate the position.

“Hey, Delphine?” When Delphine hums in response she continues, “I really like the vibe we’ve got going here, but I can’t feel my leg. Like, at all. Will you, um...” she fumbles for phrasing that won’t get lost in translation. “Will you lay with me?”

Delphine looks up. “Of course. Anything you want.”

“Well, tonight it’s more for you than me.”

Delphine just rolls her eyes and nudges Cosima with her shoulder. They crawl up and lay down together, Delphine resting her head on Cosima’s shoulder and Cosima with her her hand on Delphine’s head.

Cosima plays with blonde hair distractedly. Delphine closes her eyes and allows the slow movement of fingers in her hair relax her. Delphine lay in comfortable silence for several minutes, just basking in the loving touches.

Cosima stares wide eyed at the ceiling, thoughts zipping through her mind.

“It couldn’t have been easy,” Cosima whispers the thought without having given her mouth permission. She cringes and hopes that Delphine didn’t notice. Delphine, always on high alert when it came to noises coming from her Cosima, heard.

Delphine furrows her brows. “What can’t be easy?” she mumbles into warm shoulder.

“Umm,” she considers telling Delphine her train of thought. She decides not to and mumbles, “Nothing.”

Delphine props herself up on her elbow, a look of incredulity plastered on her face. Cosima gives her a quick glance out of the corner of her eye and resumes to stare at the ceiling.

“Oh,” Delphine mutters and puts her head back down.

It’s Cosima’s turn to be confused as she asks, “What’s ‘oh’?”

“You are keeping something from me.” She pauses, sighing. “I don’t need to know, I just got confused for a moment.”

“No, I was just thinking about… some stuff. It’s,” she rubs her temple with her free hand, “I don’t know,” she curls her hand around in the air to try and pull the right words out,

“An incomplete thought.” When Delphine doesn’t respond she says, “Kinda snuck out, is all.”

Delphine smiles. “Would you like help completing it, or?”

Cosima closes her eyes. “I’m not sure.” Mostly she’s just tired.

“Okay, I can wait.” She sighs and settles back into Cosima’s arm.

Cosima opens her eyes. “It’s just,” she groans, forcing herself to address this, “You’ve had so much happen and change for you in such a short amount of time.” She feels a ramble coming on and rolls with it, “You obviously got read in on a highly illegal human cloning experiment at a massive corporation. That’s gotta mean you’re really good at what you do. Then you had to monitor a subject halfway across the world.” She frowns, thinking of other ways Delphine’s life had changed. She slaps herself in the forehead. “You found out you’re into girls!” she exclaims with a grin.

Delphine giggles, “That’s not that big of a deal.”

“Yes it is! That’s an important life deal!” she says still very excited. “All of this is. You fell in love with an illegally cloned human and then you found out that they’re sick. With a deadly disease!”

Cosima slows down when she feels Delphine flinch and bury her face deeper into Cosima’s shoulder.

“Then you’ve got your job: trying to cure said deadly disease. That’s not a fun time even when you’re not involved with the subject.” She pauses and grins to herself. “By involved I mean having sex with.” Satisfied with the soft laugh she gets, she continues, “Then you’re at work, trying to balance all those different things. Monitor, doctor, girl-um-partn-um-person, employee.”

There is a long pause where Cosima gets lost inside her own head again.

“What are you saying?” Delphine asks trying to figure out where she is going with this.

“That’s where the thought is incomplete. See, it hasn’t been easy for you, but you also have messed up morals to even want to join the project,” she scoffs, “Like, who agrees to be part of an experiment that has unwilling participants? Did you miss the first day of the doctoral program where they talk about ethics? On top of that, you’ve spied on me, told potentially life-threatening information to the people threatening my life, and used my niece’s bone marrow without my permission.” After a steadying breath she adds, “She’s still in grade school, you know?”

There is a tense quiet as Cosima tries to think and Delphine tries to not to start crying again. She already knows all of this about herself, but hearing it out loud from someone else’s mouth was almost too much. And Cosima didn’t even know all of the details either.

_But that’s a conversation for a different day_ , she thinks.

“I still don’t understand,” Delphine finally breaks the silence, bracing for another shouting match.

“Neither do I,” Cosima concedes quietly. “I want to forgive you, I really really do. I love you Delphine and I hate seeing you like this... But, you fucked up. You’ve consistently fucked up in a big way at every turn. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look past some of the things that have happened and get to that point.”

“Okay,” Delphine mutters, misunderstanding, and moves to get up.

Cosima holds her back for the second time that night. “I wasn’t done yet,” she scolds playfully. “You take care of me though. You care _about_ me. You just want what’s best, but you have a messed up way of going about getting that done. Like really messed up,” she takes a steadying, if a little raspy, breath, “And I care about you. I don’t want to hurt you, and I have. Intentionally, like a total bitch.”

Delphine thinks back on her past with Cosima to try and understand but comes up empty. “When did you?,” she asks.

“Well, most recently when I locked you out of the lab.”

“Oh,” Delphine breathes. She had thought that Cosima actually wanted her gone.

“Yeah... And other stuff,” _It showed_ plays through her head, but doesn’t say anything. That’s not something she wants to get into right now.

“I just,” she sighs and angrily wipes at an errant tear before Delphine can notice it. “I just wish we had met under different circumstances, you know? This is all just so messed up…. And-and I can see us meeting in that stupid lab and doing stupid experiments and falling in love over dumb science puns and cramming for finals.” She suppresses a cough before continuing, “But that’s not us. We’re clones and disease and bone marrow.”

Delphine lets Cosima’s speech hang in the air for a while. She agrees completely, but just merely agreeing wouldn’t help Cosima feel any better. And she won’t be apologizing for it either. She doesn’t regret any of her actions except for the fact that it hurt Cosima. That doesn’t mean she can’t make it up to her, so she offers her opinion, “I hate it. I hate that there’s nothing I can do about it. Cosima, I would. If I could change any of these problems, I would. I would give anything to change it.” She lifts herself and props back up on an elbow, considering something. “What can I do?,” she asks simply.

“What do you mean?” Cosima looks into Delphine’s puffy eyes and sees determination.

“What can I do to make it less… messed up?” she asks in the same simple tone.

“Build a time machine?” Cosima suggests. She laughs but is sounds thick. She coughs into her hand before she can reach a tissue. Delphine laughs with her as soon as she hears Cosima’s breath go in and hands her a one to wipe the blood away.

“I’ll get right on that. But aside from highly theoretical technology? How can I?”

Cosima thinks for a moment. This is her shot to make it very clear what the parameters of their relationship were going to be. She starts with the most obvious, “One: stop making decisions without me. I’ve got a lung thing, not a brain thing that would affect my decision-making. If we’re going to be a thing we’re going to have to do things together. We’re a team,” she says without having to think too hard to come up with that one. “One point five: I just said ‘thing’ way more times that I needed to.”

The second stipulation comes a little slower, but with no less conviction. “Two: take care of you, too. You seem so tired. I know you stay up late, staring at research and torturing yourself into trying to find something. But you need rest, too. And falling asleep at a microscope doesn’t count. I’ve got enough on my plate without having to worry about you.”

It is with little conviction that Cosima makes her final demand. She takes an unsteady breath and murmurs, “Three: if this is too much for you, leave now. I won’t judge you… Okay I will… But I won’t be mad.”

Delphine blanches at the insinuation that she would ever even consider taking the out she’s been handed. “I don’t want to leave. I want to help you. I want to be with you in whatever capacity you want me. I want to be here. With you,” she injects as much sincerity into her words as she can while trying to be very clear.

Cosima grins. “Okay, so only two things then.”

“I can do that,” Delphine matches Cosima’s smile. She leans in and captures Cosima’s lips in a sweet kiss to seal the deal.

Having reached an agreement and a ridiculously late hour, they curl up under the blankets in the surprisingly comfortable hospital bed with Delphine as the big spoon, Cosima the little one, and the box of tissues the smallest.

“Je t’aime, Cosima,” Delphine whispers into the back of her head.

“I love you, too,” Cosima mumbles sleepily.

They are lulled into one of the most restful sleep either has gotten in weeks by the sound of a heart monitor and breathing tubes.

When Cosima wakes up her lungs ache, she’s cold, and Delphine is gone.


End file.
